I'm feeling it again...

Posted in Friendster June 2006

There was once a feeling that I felt- a feeling that seems to alter your world and take you to the realms of fantasy; a feeling that makes you hear birds chirping in the desert, makes you see butterflies under the ocean, and makes you feel the warm sea breeze in the midst of a busy metropolis. Yes, it was a very wonderful feeling... and it was the first time i felt it, and how i hoped it would never end.
But that same feeling tore me apart. It brought the greatest joy and the worst nightmare. It came to a point that I have to get rid of this feeling not because I want to but because the more I get hold of it, the more it holds me back. I came to realize that I won't move on with my life if I don't give this up. It was the hardest decision I had to make and I never fully understood back then why I had to make that unfair decision...
Time flew by in a wink of an eye... Soon, I nearly forgot how the feeling felt. When I look back, all I can muster is a smile... the hurt is gone, the memories are still there but it does not taunt me anymore, the feeling is completely gone. And for a moment, I realized how good it felt to be out, to not care about anything... about anyone.
But time has its surprises. A few months ago, I started to feel something... something familiar... I couldn't be wrong... I've felt this before... It did not take long before I knew what I am feeling- i began to hear birds singing in the desert. I began to see butterflies in the ocean. I began to feel the warm sea breeze everywhere. But there is something more... this is also something entirely different... I began to see myself in the desert and the bird chirps encourages me to move on forward - i see determination. I began to see myself under the sea and the butterflies remind me of what's in store for me at the shore... i see hope... I began to see myself in a busy metropolis alone yet the warm sea breeze keeps me away from loneliness... i see comfort.
Yes, this is a similar feeling, but now the feeling is more mature. I see the pleasures but I also see the responsibilities... I see the dreams but I also see the goals... I see the promises but I also see the consequences... this is it. This can never be more complete. It's like everything is laid out for me to see.
I had the same feeling once but I never fully understood it. I was too overwhelmed by the bliss it brings. Everything was fantasy. And as the word itself suggests, nothing was true... it brought me joy but that's it... I never really understood... that is why the sufferring was great when I had to let go...
This feeling I have now still alters my world... it still brings me to wonderland... yet it is strong enough to keep me in the grips of reality...
Words are not enough to describe what I am feeling right now. All I know is that I am determined to keep this feeling ablaze... I believe I now have the character and resources to keep it from dying... I will do everything I can so I won't ever have to let go of it again... this will be the last time that I will be feeling this and this time, it's for keeps.
It's nice to feel it again... to share it with someone, is divinely fulfilling...