Paradox

Posted in Friendster August 2006

A lot of people say good things about me... I thank them for that...
But behind the smiles... behind the achievements... behind the success... behind the joyful and funny me is a soul longing for something still unknown. Yes, I maybe lucky to be where I am right now, but I tell you... everything comes with a price, and most of the time, the toll is far greater than what I've expected.
I always felt good at reaching heights... actually, it is one of my personal goals... to conquer the stars... but the climb upward is very treacherous. Yes, I've reached many peaks but no one sees the bruises and cuts I got each time I go up... no one seemed to notice how much strength I needed to exert just to hang on... no one seemed to notice the freezing wind hammering me on every step... no one seemed to notice that I cried...
Yes, all these infernal hardships seem to vanish into thin air upon reaching the top... but at the end of the day... when I'm all alone again with only myself to talk to, the infernal marks reappear... crawling into every inch of my skin like a scorpion shooting its tail wherever it desires... and then an excruciating pain from within starts to warm up... eating the last remaining strength of my body... tearing my soul into pieces... i wanted to cry... but the suffering is too great, tears won't fall anymore...
I need help... but no one seems to notice...
I am that funny person with a pocket full of surprises and ideas which never fail to deliver smiles...
I am that virtuous man standing proud in front of everyone, touching hearts... teaching minds... reaching souls...
...but why can't I deliver my own smiles?
...why do I long for another hand to touch me, to teach me, to reach for me?
There's a hole deep inside me whose depth I still haven't measured... and right now, I don't know what to fill it with...
...or maybe I do, I just don't know where to get it
...or how to get it
And every passing time, that emptiness is getting bigger.
...I wanted to cry out loud
...I wanted to curse myself for being in this state in the first place...
...but tears won't fall
...words won't come out
...and no one sees
...and no one hears
...and time passes by
I will still continue to reach heights... I will still deliver smiles... I will still touch hearts, teach minds, and I will still reach out to millions of souls...
...I just hope that whatever it is that I need, I hope it comes fast
...because this darkness within me is consuming me slowly
...